ALL IN

IMG_1479Tender Mercy

I had the sweetest tender mercy…

I have been on the edge of melt down through Christmas and the days after. I have pushed and pushed my emotions and feelings down to keep them in check, but the other day, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I lost it…Don was wondering what in the world! (This is not like me at). Anyway, so many things on the “get the house ready for sale” to do list, mission paper work…it was just building up and I exploded. Problem number one…I really love this house, I really really do. I love the feeling of it, l love it when the kids come and I know the kids love it. I am struggling with letting it go, so there’s that! Then add the whole mission thing, which by the way, we have talked about our whole married life…it is that “someday”. Well, someday is happening and in reality, I don’t know if I am ready for that. Do you feel the reason for my bubbling eruption. It just feels like so much and so fast, I am so out of control of my life and it brings on panic.

After a good long cry and a 2 hour nap, I felt better able to cope…

The next morning at the gym, I listened to a talk by Anthony Sweat from a Time Out For Woman…It was called, Patterns for His Presence. Let me explain the tender mercy part…He read the few short verses Matt 19:16-22

16 ¶ And, behold, one came and said unto him, Good Master, what good thing shall I do, that I may have eternal life?

17 And he said unto him, Why callest thou me good? there is none good but one, that is, God: but if thou wilt enter into life, keep the commandments.

18 He saith unto him, Which? Jesus said, Thou shalt do no murder, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness,

19 Honour thy father and thy mother: and, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

20 The young man saith unto him, All these things have I kept from my youth up: what lack I yet?

21 Jesus said unto him, If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me.

22 But when the young man heard that saying, he went away sorrowful: for he had great

possessions.

These are the insights:

This young man came seeking…What lack I yet? I don’t know if you have ever prayed that before, but its scary because you don’t know what might become of that. I have been praying that for at least two weeks with nothing but silence to follow the question…surely there is something!!!!

Then Jesus said to this young man, “Go and sell that thou hast” and this young man went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions.

The lesson from the Holy Ghost to Becky Corbett was YOU ARE THIS YOUNG MAN. You have lived the gospel your whole life and have been obedient. Now you are needing to sacrifice some things ie. my house that I love with all my heart, moving away from my children and my life as I now it. You are struggling to let go of something that are Gods from the beginning anyway. (Doctrine and Covenants 104:14-15)

14. I, the Lord, stretched out the heavens, and built the earth, my very handiwork; and all things therein are mine.

15 And it is my purpose to provide for my saints, for all things are mine.

You have only been the steward and now you need to give it back. You aren’t willingly giving it up. Then came more lesson, once you have been obedient and have willingly sacrificed, you consecrate , dedicate it to the Lord. Can you do that Becky?

I knew that the Savior was aware of me in that moment and was teaching me in the sweetest and most loving way…My answer was and is, “Yes Lord, I will be obedient and sacrifice all that I have and give it to thee”. Whatever that looks like, I am all in.

I can’t pretend that there won’t be moments of doubt and questions, but I have this experience to keep going over to remind me that I can do hard things.

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Empty Nesting in a new location

…so many feelings…so many thoughts…I am going to have to come back to this…

a week later…but four months late…

I feel overwhelmed as I try in some small measure to catch up this blog to my life.  It might be easier just to say, Don and I have moved.  We left our home of 14 years, packed up our life’s belongings, memories, and security and moved to San Jose.  We left behind Hillary, Eric and Quentin, Donald, Emma and Ellie, Ellie being our newest addition!  Haylie is in Provo and Andrew has left for his mission in Guatemala.
This has been the hardest thing I have ever done.  I feel an emptiness and a lack of belonging.  I feel I lack for purpose and a sense of motivation.  Where do I go from here? What is my role in life now that I am not raising kids?  What out there could offer me the fulfillment that being a mother has been?  What do I do with myself?  I have asked myself these questions only a hundred times and mostly with tears in my eyes.  
I lay in bed pretending I am in my bed in Seattle…in my mind I pretend I am in the home I have  loved and I invision what I would be doing, seeing and feeling if my life had not changed so.

Don was asked to move to the Bay area…they needed his personality and ability to make these offices profitable.  He began commuting in September of last year while we waited for Andrew to graduate from high school.  He would leave Monday morning and fly home Friday night.  He did that for 9 months.

Andrew received  his mission call and date that he would leave, so we knew that we would leave right after he did.  July 21st we put Andrew on a plane for Quetzaltenango Guatemala and July 24th my house and belongings were being packed in boxes.

We have found a beautiful home in San Jose.  It is very comfortable and feels warm and the spirit abide here…I am adjusting to all the newness and trying my best to make this feel like home.  Each week is a little better and I feel sure, over time I will embrace this change and embrace my current life.  

We are here for a reason, we prayed about this move and felt heavens hand guiding us.  Time will reveal the meaning behind our move.  I know that, because over the past 30 years we have felt and experienced the tender mercies of our Heavenly Father as we have been prayerful in every aspect of our lives.  

What I have learned …
if you get too comfortable its time for a change…we don’t grow in the comfort zone.


I can do hard things…I’ve taught that truth through the past 6 years in seminary, now it’s time time to walk the talk!
In alma 5:15  it says “Do you look forward with an eye of faith”…meaning, do we do something that seems to make no sense to the natural man, yet we feel it to be what we should do and just do it?  I did it because I knew that in the past Heavenly Father has lead us, directed us and guided us.  I knew that He has a plan for us and that plan is not in the comfort zone all the time.  I knew that it was time for some personal growth…and so, I did “look forward with an eye of faith”.  
I have stopped crying and wishing for my past life.  I am setting goals for myself and looking forward to accomplishing them.  I am looking forward and welcome the experiences that will be insightful as I wonder what is our purpose here.  I will keep you posted as those occurances take place and begin shaping our new lives.

One more thought…In regards to our children…I think this is a powerful example that we follow our husbands as they lead in righteousness and that we support their professional life.  Also, in some ways I believe I was a crutch for them.  They hung out with me, I was easy and didn’t take much effort.  Now they have to engage themselves in their world, make friends and depend on each other.  I think that is a good thing.